my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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