Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
