the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
