when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
