We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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