I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
