Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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