you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
