its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
