you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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