If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.