Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
