Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
