I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
