i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize