I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
