Just fell off a train. Bad.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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