well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
