Need sex. Gaining weight.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
it's like heaven, but drunker
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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