I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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