so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
