If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
