My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
