If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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