just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Randomize
