i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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