There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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