I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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