My entire life is one complicated drinking game
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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