I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
