her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
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Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
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He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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