Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
