Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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