He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
