the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
