Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Randomize
