in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Randomize
