the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
