I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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