I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
