I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
