my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
