I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
