that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize