Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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