yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
