if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
