who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
