I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
