you're like a bully in the Christmas story
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
