if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
