I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
