I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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