I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
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