Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
