I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
