so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
